The world is open to me now. I am caught in what I want to become and what I should become. I have left behind my family and my dear friends. I packed my things, my love, pieces of home, and my cat to places I have never been in. I am in San Francisco reaching goals, learning myself: what is me? where am I?. I am trailing my independent self, back to my true roots, feeling the ground with my two feet, and doing all the "firsts" I only dreamed of six years ago. Life is crazy, complicated, sad but really awesome, inspiring, fun, and good. I can say that I am shedding my teenage self and becoming more of an adult everyday but I am not alone, at least I have the hand I have dreamed to always hold on to, and by each day we learn, grow, and love.
Author's Note: As today marks the first day of Autumn here in sunny California, I feel blue. When you thought someone could cheer you up, turns out they want to do something else alone. Somehow reality has a way with telling you don't take it for granted (so true). But somehow, in my still hopeless romantic-still-believes-in-fairy-tales-twenty-two yr old-heart, I wish I could get a smile off of a joke, a funny story, or something to make me feel not so blue but I digress. I wish so much sometimes that this person could show a romantic side again, keep the candle burning, like it did 5 yrs ago, 4 yrs ago, 3 yrs ago. Even if they were small, cute notes or flowers, a flower or a peck or just to stop our tracks and say your feelings about me or us. Something spontaneous and random at any given day. Where did it go, why did the ideas suddenly become entangled with cobwebs and gathering dust. Why do I have to tell when you can just do without me saying. Where are you romantic?
The clock ticks steadily that seems slow but not as fast as the years that go by,
The hearts strengthen and our bond forties the fortress we've made,
although the hearth has open with utmost warmth that has come to stay,
the nine winters have past and gone away,
and we have seen the beauty of spring and heat of summer,
but there is the Fall,
where even though years passed,
I am still the girl with a fervent want and almost need
for the small, cute romantic nothings,
the sudden stops that make my heart jump and cannot believe my ears and eyes
of the love that flares,
the public affection that is all too true and so secret,
to be known of love and also show it,
No, never by command, but all in instinct,
And I cannot forget the face of wonderment when we are so near
thinking about each others thoughts in quiet afternoons,
the simple walks where we find something about each other
that we may have forgotten or not yet discovered,
the simplicity of being in love and showing it.
If you will show this again, don't let it fade from you,
don't let us be sullen and forget the very reason why we fell,
lets keep it ablaze always
Text copyright ©AngieNichollie_™ 2013
Author's Note: I truly love most of Edith Piaf songs. This song, Autumn Leaves, is one of my favorite songs of Edith Piaf, it really tugs my heartstrings, its melancholy and truly beautiful, this is a cover by Emmy Rossum, all rights go to the writer of this song.
Author's Note: I remember I sang this song as a solo for choir once. I remember my throat was in no way ready to sing that night. So I preserved my voice and drank tea until I was on stage. I was nervous because I had done very little practice and I was afraid my voice would crack due to singing in a different key. I remember at that time I had to really muster up my courage and believe in myself when no could really help me and I had to face it all on my own all at the same time. In the end, I sang my song in my very best and I recieved a lot of positive comments and great confidence. I need to believe in myself again maybe not as quick as that night but definitely just as much. I also hope my loved one will never cease to believe in me as well.
And the song was called I'll Try by Joantha Brooke
I am not a child now.
I can take care of myself.
I mustn't let them down now.
I mustn't let them see me cry.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
I'm too tired to listen.
I'm too old to believe.
All these childish stories.
There is no such thing as faith and trust and pixie dust.
I try but its so hard to believe.
I try but I can't see what you see.
I try, I try, I try.
My whole world is changing.
I don't know where to turn.
I can't leave you waiting.
But I can't stay and watch the city burn.
Ohh watch it burn.
Cause I try but it's so hard to believe.
I try but I can't see what you see.
I try, I try.
I try and try to understand the distance in between.
The love I feel, the things I fear and every single dream.
I can finally see it.
Now I have to believe all those precious stories.
All the world is made of faith and trust and pixie dust.
So I'll try cause I finally believe.
I'll try cause I can see what you see.
I'll try, I'll try
I will try, I'll try to fly
Author's Note: Disliking my issue of mixing my emotions with logical thinking because of a certain person thats causing me to want to tell this person to their face not to pull tricks up their sleeves and have the other person to watch out. Most of this will be a suppressed rant. "this one" refers to the same person.
The enjoyment of making fun,
little laughs that hurt my ears,
don't think I don't hear the projection of that voice when this one talks with you,
feelings may be concealed during conversations in game,
oh how this one calls your name,
for help, for jokes, for fun
but my mind is muddled for a serious and pathetic want and a foolish dislike
I can't seem to depict what is emotion or plain logic--common sense
I keep thinking this one's feelings for you is between the lines
and I truly wish that it isnt so and that I am just foolishly wrong
but I'm trying to withstand the inner anger I let grow,
kept to bottle inside, nearly a huge blow
I want to say don't let your guard down on that day when you go, get ready to play that fight if ever that event occurs
in which this friend (this one) might want to take you away and might try to steal your heart,
and though these are all bottled thoughts and wanting to just say all this out,
you're right, I've really mixed my emotions with my thoughts,
I let myself succumb to silliness and let myself be prey to my own foolishness, and you know that can't ever do any good.
I just want you to sometimes not pay mind to this one so,
or make this one laugh so much, or make this one smile with almost everything you say
it leaves me wanting to laugh with you and wonder what you said
I wish it was just only me (besides family and guy friends) could you do that and make it so I could only laugh that way and smile that way, instead of this one who broadcasts all these emotions live
But of course I can't control your words and actions for they are your own and may not be helped once said.
This is the end to my short gloom I feel, the ache I feel just because I can't bear to listen to this one attentively talk and hear you with joy, a joy this person should give to someone else who isn't taken. I suppose I can only hope to just laugh at this someday when I look back at the time I was 22 and did not like that one person who I thought wanted to pursue you.
Author's Note: From a scene in Arang. It is a very sad and hopeful confession of love to a girl who does not exist in the world anymore.
"In a place where one flower wilts, another flower will bloom. In a place where the wind blows, a different wind will blow again. But I will hold onto the memories of my first feelings of true love forever. Even if I go heaven and forget you or I go to hell and you forget me. Even if we don't recognize each other wherever we may go.
I will find you in my heart. So if there is a boy that stops at you with tears and has a heart that starts to flutter at the sight of you, please recognize him as me."
Many days have I not seen,
the beauty and simple nature,
of a butterfly
Its wings flutter swiftly,
to kiss a flower,
and to touch a leaf
a splendor of colors
... goodbye little wondrous thing.
Author's Note: To cherish and reminisce a day, a month, a year. Then to look forward to many years to come with a dear love.
So much time to share,
so much room to grow,
to make memories,
to ignite our hopes and dreams.
Because we are still quite young
And yet there is still
very much we have yet to learn
very much to write, to say
of meaningful words less spoken
but from time to time put forth in action
We are still are shooting for goals
and finding our place in the world
and I'm all to glad to share it with you
the journey and the adventure
The fervent love that still flames high,
as we know, above others
the tower we built in the years we became two.
Let it flourish even more not paying any mind
to those who envies the bloom of an ardent love
To keep precious memories
instilled in our minds constantly
so we never forget how wonderful it is
to be together.
Sometimes when things seem to go awry
but not realize how much pain inflicted inside
images of gold start to tarnish and rust
with the other person knowing
and myself selfishly blind
by hate, anger, and defeat
not knowing your words meant to help and not hurt
your help meant for my wounds, inflicted upon myself, to heal
your words to not worry were to make me --us feel better
But it turned like a downward spiral and a viscous cycle
that would eventually stop when the hope is lost
The hope still lives
the ever so small flickering light
at the end of the tunnel
I finally saw today
The reason why I was so deep in what seemed to darkness and gray
The fear of losing one so important would happen if the spiral continued
The loss of a love, a best friend would be gone in an instant
had I not caught myself with the wrong answer to a simple question
It starts and it ends with me
the hurt was me
the pain and sorrow
all through my thoughts
and hurt you I did
without ever knowing
how slow and sudden the end would be
To pick myself up off the heavy rubble
that broke off from a once built foundation that "us" came to be
I saw and felt your anger and sorrow and I know why it is
And now know what Us SHOULD be
The mural of love you made of me though not yet filled with rust I can clean away
The light can be a bright improvement
And can shine down on me again
in which I hope to see the favor in your eyes
This is a chance I will surely take
and a farewell to my incredible mistakes
Do not give up on me
for I know what I must do
to make things better
and start a new chapter
of Life Anew.
Text copyright ©AngieNichollie_™ 2012
It binds, that increases in strength,
It grows and matures ever so pleasantly each passing day.
The heart truly grows fonder when a love is away.
I'll still wake to your sweet "Good Mornings"
And wait for your sweet and huggy "Hellos" upon riding the car
I still remember the touch of your hand full of warmth and comfort
I'll still smile with you when we walk together
I'll still imagine kissing you on the cheek while you sleep
When it rains I'll think about how we rushed to class as we shared an umbrella
I'll giggle when I remember your tickles to me
I'll remember the color of your eyes when I close mine
And definitely still hear the echos of your "I Love You Angel" when the day ends
-to only reply "Senpai, I still love you too.."
Text copyright ©AngieNichollie_™ 2011
The Written Works