The world is open to me now. I am caught in what I want to become and what I should become. I have left behind my family and my dear friends. I packed my things, my love, pieces of home, and my cat to places I have never been in. I am in San Francisco reaching goals, learning myself: what is me? where am I?. I am trailing my independent self, back to my true roots, feeling the ground with my two feet, and doing all the "firsts" I only dreamed of six years ago. Life is crazy, complicated, sad but really awesome, inspiring, fun, and good. I can say that I am shedding my teenage self and becoming more of an adult everyday but I am not alone, at least I have the hand I have dreamed to always hold on to, and by each day we learn, grow, and love.
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Author's Note: As today marks the first day of Autumn here in sunny California, I feel blue. When you thought someone could cheer you up, turns out they want to do something else alone. Somehow reality has a way with telling you don't take it for granted (so true). But somehow, in my still hopeless romantic-still-believes-in-fairy-tales-twenty-two yr old-heart, I wish I could get a smile off of a joke, a funny story, or something to make me feel not so blue but I digress. I wish so much sometimes that this person could show a romantic side again, keep the candle burning, like it did 5 yrs ago, 4 yrs ago, 3 yrs ago. Even if they were small, cute notes or flowers, a flower or a peck or just to stop our tracks and say your feelings about me or us. Something spontaneous and random at any given day. Where did it go, why did the ideas suddenly become entangled with cobwebs and gathering dust. Why do I have to tell when you can just do without me saying. Where are you romantic? The clock ticks steadily that seems slow but not as fast as the years that go by, The hearts strengthen and our bond forties the fortress we've made, although the hearth has open with utmost warmth that has come to stay, the nine winters have past and gone away, and we have seen the beauty of spring and heat of summer, but there is the Fall, where even though years passed, I am still the girl with a fervent want and almost need for the small, cute romantic nothings, the sudden stops that make my heart jump and cannot believe my ears and eyes of the love that flares, the public affection that is all too true and so secret, to be known of love and also show it, No, never by command, but all in instinct, And I cannot forget the face of wonderment when we are so near thinking about each others thoughts in quiet afternoons, the simple walks where we find something about each other that we may have forgotten or not yet discovered, the simplicity of being in love and showing it. If you will show this again, don't let it fade from you, don't let us be sullen and forget the very reason why we fell, lets keep it ablaze always Text copyright ©AngieNichollie_™ 2013 Author's Note: I truly love most of Edith Piaf songs. This song, Autumn Leaves, is one of my favorite songs of Edith Piaf, it really tugs my heartstrings, its melancholy and truly beautiful, this is a cover by Emmy Rossum, all rights go to the writer of this song.
Author's Note: I remember I sang this song as a solo for choir once. I remember my throat was in no way ready to sing that night. So I preserved my voice and drank tea until I was on stage. I was nervous because I had done very little practice and I was afraid my voice would crack due to singing in a different key. I remember at that time I had to really muster up my courage and believe in myself when no could really help me and I had to face it all on my own all at the same time. In the end, I sang my song in my very best and I recieved a lot of positive comments and great confidence. I need to believe in myself again maybe not as quick as that night but definitely just as much. I also hope my loved one will never cease to believe in me as well.
And the song was called I'll Try by Joantha Brooke I am not a child now. I can take care of myself. I mustn't let them down now. I mustn't let them see me cry. I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm too tired to listen. I'm too old to believe. All these childish stories. There is no such thing as faith and trust and pixie dust. I try but its so hard to believe. I try but I can't see what you see. I try, I try, I try. My whole world is changing. I don't know where to turn. I can't leave you waiting. But I can't stay and watch the city burn. Ohh watch it burn. Cause I try but it's so hard to believe. I try but I can't see what you see. I try, I try. I try and try to understand the distance in between. The love I feel, the things I fear and every single dream. I can finally see it. Now I have to believe all those precious stories. All the world is made of faith and trust and pixie dust. So I'll try cause I finally believe. I'll try cause I can see what you see. I'll try, I'll try I will try, I'll try to fly
Sometimes when things seem to go awry
but not realize how much pain inflicted inside images of gold start to tarnish and rust with the other person knowing and myself selfishly blind by hate, anger, and defeat not knowing your words meant to help and not hurt your help meant for my wounds, inflicted upon myself, to heal your words to not worry were to make me --us feel better But it turned like a downward spiral and a viscous cycle that would eventually stop when the hope is lost The hope still lives the ever so small flickering light at the end of the tunnel I finally saw today The reason why I was so deep in what seemed to darkness and gray The fear of losing one so important would happen if the spiral continued The loss of a love, a best friend would be gone in an instant had I not caught myself with the wrong answer to a simple question It starts and it ends with me the hurt was me the pain and sorrow all through my thoughts and hurt you I did without ever knowing how slow and sudden the end would be To pick myself up off the heavy rubble that broke off from a once built foundation that "us" came to be I saw and felt your anger and sorrow and I know why it is And now know what Us SHOULD be The mural of love you made of me though not yet filled with rust I can clean away The light can be a bright improvement And can shine down on me again in which I hope to see the favor in your eyes This is a chance I will surely take and a farewell to my incredible mistakes Do not give up on me for I know what I must do to make things better and start a new chapter of Life Anew. Text copyright ©AngieNichollie_™ 2012 To be honest I wasn't sure to post this on my blog. What is this exactly? It is a Korean song called "A Goose's Dream" (Have you ever heard/read the story of "The Ugly Duckling" ?). I first heard this in a Kdrama called "Dream High" ( I definitely recommend! :))
I'm turning 20 on Thursday and I felt this song would be a great overcoming song whenever I face obstacles in the future and almost about myself in challenges I had to face in my personal life and of course To Dream Big Dreams :) (Happy Birthday to me) I had a dream, Even if I'm thrown away and broken Deep in my heart A treasured dream I'll always say what worries me, foolish dreams are poisonous. Just like a book that always has an end Its too late to turn back, its reality Thats Right I, I have a dream I believe in that dream Watch Me I'm Standing in front in the cold facing fate Squarely, stand tall and challenge it Someday I will climb over that wall As High as the sky I can fly This heavy world called life can't hold me down At the end of my life, on the other day that I can smile, let's do this together Thats Right I, I have a dream I believe in that dream Watch Me I'm Standing in front in the cold facing fate Squarely, stand tall and challenge it Someday I will climb over that wall As High as the sky I can fly This heavy world called life can't tie me down At the end of my life, on the other day that I can smile, let's do this together I want to hold your hand when the leaves fall on Autumn days in the park. To see you smile back at me so bright like a star. I want to see you shine when days seem sour because you have a way of making me feel better. I want to sit on a large rock with you and gaze at the ocean when twilight nears and all we can see are first stars up in the sky. I want to feel only your warmth when winter's frost comes. And stare at your long eyelashes when you sleep on my lap. I want to hear you always call my name in my dreams so I know that even in dreams we miss each other. For any wealth in the world that is offered to me it can never compare to the strong connection I have with you, so will you share future memories with me ? Will you?
Why is parting such sweet sorrow? Why is it called sweet sorrow when there is almost nothing sweet in parting? Is it the hopefulness of seeing the person again? And the sorrow the part where quiet tears fall, no sobs but the on coming aches.
I can picture it, as if played on a silver screen. The train arrives on a cloudy, misty day. The fumes coming out of the train leaving a a smokey ring around the locomotive. The couple arrives hand and hand. The mood happy yet sad. The signal to board the train bursts loudly above the many people walking and talking. It was time to say goodbye, a thought that was present in both the man and the woman. The man faces his love with a tender smile, a smile so warm and eyes so filled with his love for her (if only she knew how much love he has for her). The woman gentle in all her ways, feels a slight prick in her eyes. She knows that she does not want to show him tears; however, the thought of missing this gentle soul made her heart ache. She exhales slightly and smiles back at him. Both hands grasp their last, letting go both hands felt a lingering warmth. The man wishes the woman good health, warm days, and promises her that they will meet again very soon. The woman nodding with soft smiles, holds her composure. The quiet stares seem very empty on the outside yet filled with love on the inside and gone in a short while. The three words are spoken by the man together with a kiss. He boards the train. She looks for him and there he sits by a window. He writes on paper displaying it on the window. She reads "I'll catch you later!" She is about to let her tears go. Instead she smiles brightly as she can waving goodbye. The train moves slowly then at normal speed. They share butterfly kisses. As soon as the train leaves the station, the woman lets go and gives a cry and the missing has already started.... Almost a year and I feel that so much has been accomplished and yet there is so much to await in the future. The best part is that he is still happily with me. Through hardships, sorrows, and sleepless nights to waking up with teary eyes, today I feel this connection growing even stronger.
I remember memories of the past that started something beautiful today. Although it was at times rough, I didn't know that he was that persistent and careful. Remembering times he left messages and antics of his drove me crazy, he couldn't get off mind, literally. The smile I remember most, I know that smile is very much imprinted in my heart, it will never go away. His gazing eyes that I never noticed then, his laugh that is a happily intoxicating thing, and his outwardly kindness. (I'm very lucky, this I know). The roses, the gifts, the small talk, it all succeeded accordingly. He seized that moment and he should be glad of it. Today, I love everything he does, even the things I don't notice. From the day I saw this person and succumbed to his arms and raised that white flag and surrendered, giving up on not liking him but to give in to really liking him to finding out that he is my love, my true love. It wasn't easy but what is true love called without undergoing hardships? I take every moment as if I were to see him the last time. I opened my own heart especially wide for him that I will continually know him so well from his behavior to his actions. I love seeing him when he closes his eyes for a few seconds and I stare at him lovingly and every time I want to cry because in my eyes he is like a rare gem that gives happiness for a long long time and if you are lucky you will find yourself incandescently happy (gladly I was very lucky). And I forever want to be incandescently happily, wholeheartedly in love with him (all day, everyday). I never knew that a true love would exist in a world where such a thing is a like myth and that one who has it is blessed and also envied by others. I'm glad my true love is perfect the way he is because I accepted him out of anyone else. I can't wait to love him everyday and care for him, I know already he will do the same for me. My one true love, my one and only, my Senpai, my Gilleo, my never-wilting Rose. If there was one thing that I would want hear if you were gone for while, it would be your heart beat; beating to know that your heart still beats for me. Beating to a rhythm of precious memories of moments together. Beating to plans we wish to fulfill someday in the future. Beating of a love that is still lively and always will be lively. Beating melodies that we listen to. Surrounded by the media, especially where you live in place where the glitz and glamor appear 24/7, for a girl and even for a boy we find ourselves in the pressures of society, especially in appearance. I find males and females going to great heights just to look pretty or in this case prettier, I suppose just looking and being their self is not enough to impress a handsome face. When you realize it, it is hard to just accept yourself and like who you are, not unless you were born into the fact that just being you is the best thing, then you're blessed to know that kind of wisdom. As it is, it takes a while to understand the concept of "being you." You can change clothes, hair, the overall appearance, but would it still be you? The answer is: it's whether you changed yourself in the process of changing appearance. |
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